FertilAid

As I mentioned in a previous post, Matt and I are taking a break from Clomid this month to try FertilAid, an herbal product designed to "promote hormonal balance and reproductive wellness". I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon for every infertility gimmick out there (and there are TONS), but I've read some great reviews on FertilAid and have decided that it's worth a shot. I've now taken the pills for 3 days without any adverse side effects and am anxious to see how the rest of my cycle goes. The pills themselves are pretty big, but since the actual medicine/supplements/whatever you want to call them are tucked away inside a nice tasteless capsule, I don't mind taking them. That's a great change from clomid since the tiny pills sometimes begin to melt in your mouth before you have a chance to swallow them. Anyway, so far so good this month. I'm hoping and praying that FertilAid is the miracle that we've been waiting for!

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Freebies and Special Offers

I have added a new section for PCOS and fertility related freebies and special offers. Just click on the "Promotions" tab on the right to see what is currently available. If you know of any other great offers, please let me know so I can add them.

Thanks!

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SEX, SEX, SEX!

When Matt and I began trying to conceive, sex was exciting. We were going to make a baby! We lit candles, shared some wine, listened to soft music and took our time. I had this crazy idea that our child would be conceived on one of those passionate, romantic evenings. After a few short months, reality kicked in and passion went out the window. Sex was no longer a spontaneous expression of our love...instead, it was a means to an end. And there's no room at Baby Dancing Inn for spontaneity. Too little sex and you risk of missing ovulation. Plus, you don't want your child conceived from a leftover, decrepit swimmer who needs his walker just to make it to the cervix. Too much sex and there may not be enough swimmers left to get the job done. Timing is crucial. So, being the anal retentive perfectionist that I am, I sat down with the calendar and began to schedule sex. Matt was hesitant at first, but I managed to persuade him into doing the deed every other day from cd 9 until three days after ovulation was confirmed. We stuck to the plan, but our relationship paid the price. For over 6 months, foreplay consisted of the words "Okay, Honey, assume the position." Two minutes later, we were through and I was slipping in an Instead cup and watching CSI. (On a side note, Instead cups are AWESOME! Put one in right afterwards and you don't have to worry about spillage.) The only time Matt and I touched was during sex. When Matt and I first married (less than 3 years ago), he kissed me each time he left/came into the house. And I mean REALLY kissed me--one of those "Okay, I can't breathe so you've gotta stop" kisses. He used to wrap his arm around me and guide me into the room. Even after nearly 5 years together, I still had butterflies each time we touched. But that was pre-TTC...

Then, along came ovulation predictor sticks. With those magic wands, we would be able to limit our sexual escapades by pinpointing a 12-48 hour window before ovulation. So every afternoon, I religiously peed on a stick and waited for the test line to appear. The problem? Opk's are hard to read! In order for a test to be positive, at least 50% of the test line must be as dark as or darker than the control line. I had no idea that there were so many shades of blue in the world! My flashlight moved from the toolbox in the garage onto the bathroom counter. That way, I could closely examine the two lines to see if I indeed had a positive test. And even then, that didn't work. I soon found myself scanning opk sticks into the computer so I could double check the intensity of the color in by changing the color scale in my photo editing software. (Yes, they make digital test sticks, but I'm too cheap to buy them. Twenty bucks for a box of 5. I think I'll pass!) The scanning stopped when Matt opened the scanner lid and found my most recent test stick stuck to the glass. I guess he didn't realize just how neurotic I'd become!

And then, I read Twilight and life changed. Yes, I realize that the series was written for teenagers, but I had to figure out what all the hype was about. Curiosity got the best of me. I read the first book in two days. I'm an avid reader, but I've never experienced anything like Twilight in the past. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get Edward Cullen's character out of my head. I dreamed about him at night and saw his face at random times during the day. Just the thought of him made my knees weak--a very disturbing reality since he's a FICTIONAL, UNDERAGE VAMPIRE. And then, it hit me! I was drawn to Edward Cullen because he was passionate, mysterious and romantic--the very qualities that I missed from my marriage. And at that point, I made a conscious decision to change direction. I picked up a bottle of wine and a six-pack on the way home, hoping to make amends with Matt and with myself for losing sight of what really matters. After a tearful conversation, we made love that night for the first time in ages.

I've since run out of opk's and have forgotten where on earth I left the basal body thermometer. I took Clomid on cd's 3-7 as prescribed, but the calendar went in the trash. Matt touches me as he walks past and kisses me every chance he gets. And we've made love every other day since around cd 7. Not because the calendar, thermometer and little blue stick say we have to, but purely because we WANT to. And it's been the best sex I've ever had! I'm really lucky to have an incredible man like Matt in my life, and I want to make the most of the time that we have together. Maybe I wasn't that crazy in the beginning afterall. Maybe our child will be conceived out of passion and romance, on a night that we'll remember for years to come.

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What no one told you about trying to conceive

What no one told you about trying to conceive...
*That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
*That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
*That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
*That the longer you Try to Conceive, the more Pregnant women spring up around you.
*That deep down inside, you can be a very jealous person.
*That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
*That you should have gone to medical school like your mom wanted, because you've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with you, you might as well be an M.D.
*That you would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors you go to.
*That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm.
*That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines... until only one shows up every month.
*That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work, too.)
*That you have no control over some of the goals you set.
*That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
*That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
*That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
*That miscarriage is so common.
*That you would wish you had started TTC earlier.
*That your friends' pregnancies would start to make you sad instead of happy.
*That you wasted A LOT of money on birth control!
*That you'd EVER be willing to stab yourself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get you PG.
*That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
*That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
*That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
*That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
*That you could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
*That you would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell your DH about it.
*That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes you sad and when they tell you they have good news, you hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Ha!
*That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
*That had you bought stock in Clearblue Easy, you'd have your mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
*That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
*That having aunt flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
*That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
*Feeling like you wish your life away in two-week increments.
*That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
*That a group of "strangers" who you will probably never meet, have now become your "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
*That you would splash urine on your face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
*That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
*That infertility is more common than you think.
*That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
*That one day all of this will make you stronger.
*That no one you know (in your non-trying to conceive (ttc) life) would have any understanding as to how you feel.
*That your temper and patience are much shorter than you ever thought.
*That you would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
*That your faith in God would be tested heavily.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
*That you are very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies
*That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
*That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to."
*That you'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least you know what's wrong.
*That you would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
*That you could spend so much time and money on figuring out what your body is doing (or not doing).
*That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?"
*That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. You had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
*That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
*That some people just say the wrong things.
*That a simple blood test costs $648!
*That sex would ever become a chore!
*That actually having a miscarriage would allow you to understand the loss that others have felt.
*That miscarriage would make you want a baby even more than before!
*That you would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling you "I know how you feel..."
*That DH would be overly concerned that our Baby Dancing positions were the most effective ones
*That you would become NUMB to the wonderful world around you that you already have
*That you would become addicted to POAS (peeing on a stick) and not sleep at night because you couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
*That you would be so sad, and ashamed.
*That you would learn to speak in code, like "I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN!"
*That when AF showed up you would feel broken and dysfunctional.
*That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
*That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
*That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your Fertility Monitor says high or peak.
*That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
*That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
*That you would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 36 months TTC...)
*That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief.
*That you would have to schedule a Baby Dancing session so Dear Husband could do it in a cup a few days later.
*That your friends who started TTC 1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before you get pregnant with 1.
*That you wouldn't be able to attend your friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the question, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?"
*That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
*That you would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
*That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
*That you spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now you can't seem to lose the witch!
*That you would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world you want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk you out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to you.
*That you would yell at commercials on the TV. (That "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
*That you would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows you love) because it just hurts too much.
*That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. *That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy or STD every time.
*That your body has its own mind.
*That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
*That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c Aunt Flow showed.
*That the human body and what it actually takes to conceive is so complex that it's amazing anyone ever gets pregnant in the first place.
*That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. Yep.
*That you feel useless as a female.
*That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children.
*That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amount of the required "hormones" or doing what it should know how to do.
*That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief

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Just Waiting to Test

Well, after my near nervous breakdown last weekend, I'm looking forward to a relaxing (ha!) holiday. I'm now 12 dpo and am waiting until Sunday (14 dpo) or Monday (15 dpo) to test. Based on my previous cycles, I usually start to spot around 12-13 dpo and af arrives full force around 14 dpo. No spotting yet, just creamy cm. I'm having some of my typical 2ww symptoms--sore bb's, slight nausea, mild cramps and a lower backache. Mother Nature sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't she?!?! Anyway, I'm a little nervous about testing this weekend. It would be the perfect time to get a bfp as Monday is the 8 year anniversary of my father's passing. I could defnitely use some good news to change the mood of the day.

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All time low

I've officially reached an all-time low today. I'm 6 dpo on our second month of Clomid and have the usual side effects...sore boobs, bloated, lower backache. I had these exact same symptoms last cycle with a bfn.

Over the past few weeks, Matt and I have been talking about adopting a puppy. I've searched petfinder.com, craigslist.com and our local classifieds. When I called Matt earlier to let him know that our local Humane Society is hosting an adopt-a-thon this weekend (free adoptions with food donations), Matt very clearly said no because we aren't ready for a dog yet. He's right...we don't have a crate/kennel, leash, food, etc. But as soon as we hung up, I started to cry. At that point, it dawned on me that my desire for a puppy was just part of my need to parent something. I need to feel needed. We've been ttc since Dec. 2007 and it feels like we're never going to have a child. I just want to be a mom.

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MAJOR Moodiness!!!

I've taken two doses of provera so far...and WOW! I'm just pissy. My boobs hurt. I'm starving but I feel like I'm going to puke. I took a short nap this afternoon and apparently had a dream that Matt's sister got pregnant by her loser boyfriend of 6 weeks. When I say "loser", I'm not exaggerating. The guy hooked up with Beth the week after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his son. The guy is currently unemployed and lives in a barn. Yes, A BARN! Anyway, I woke up in a state of shock, depression and total rage. Hope this goes away since I'll be spending all day tomorrow with Matt's family. Happy Easter! :)

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Clomid, Cycle 2

Shortly after my last post, I came down with the flu. Even though I had a flu shot around Thanksgiving, I managed to contract a strange strand of influenza that wasn't covered by this year's vaccine. Oh the joys of working with the public! Anyway, as a result, March's cycle was a total bust. I wasn't able to go back for my Clomid check for fear of spreading the virus. Sigh....

Today, I had my month-overdue Clomid check with Dr. B. She reviewed my bbt chart from February and was excited to see a positive opk on cd 17-18. Since I am now on cd 35, she wrote a script for Provera to induce af and increased the Clomid to 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Dr. B. remains positive. She's convinced that this will be our month. Thank God for encouraging doctors!

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I was so sure...

It's cd 12 and I was thoroughly convinced that I would get a bfp today. My nipples have ached for nearly a week, though usually my entire bb's hurt. I've had some minor lower back pain and a full feeling in my stomach for the past couple of days. I almost threw up on the way home from work today. And...I got another bfn.

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Keeping the Faith

I got a little overzealous this afternoon and tested. Yes, I know that it's too early. I'm just not a very patient person these days. :) I had some tenderness in my lower abdomen yesterday and my nipples are still really sore. I keep hoping for the best but preparing for our 2nd cycle on Clomid. Matthew and I found out yesterday that his dad has some serious health issues. An MRI found a mass between his heart and lung. They aren't sure if it's scar tissue or cancer, but the doctor said that either way, it doesn't look good. I'm really close to Matt's dad--I've sort of adopted him as my own and can't imagine having children without him around. I just pray that his visit with a specialist in March gives us good news. Please keep our family in your thoughts.

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How long do Clomid side effects last?

I'm now on cd23 and am STILL nauseus! Odd smells and the thought of certain foods make me queasy. It's WAY too early for these to be pg symptoms so I'm sure that they're connected to the Clomid. How long do the side effects last? Maybe it's just my body adjusting to the correct ratios of hormones, but I feel like crap...

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Reflexology

I just realized that I failed to mention reflexology in my last post. I had my first reflexology treatment on February 13th. Although I'd done some research online, I wasn't sure exactly what to expect from the appointment. When I arrived at the center, Gail (my friend who not-so-subtly suggested reflexology) greeted me at the door with a smile. After I removed my socks and shoes, she led me back to a huge, comfy chair, propped my feet on a pillow and turned on soft music. We talked for a few minutes about my ttc journey and PCOS, the underlying condition that has caused my body not to work the way that it's supposed to. Gail guided me through a series of relaxing deep breaths and encouraged me to close my eyes and "just be". Now, I absolutely love when Matthew rubs my feet, but he only lasts five or ten minutes before a hand cramp sets in or he decides that it's his turn to be on the receiving end. So, I was quite elated when Gail massaged each foot for thirty minutes. The session wasn't painful by any sense of the word, but definitely different. She touched my feet and ankles in places that even I never knew existed! When she finished, I was so relaxed that I could barely move--not just my feet but my entire body. IT WAS AWESOME!!!

The following Monday, I visited Gail again. I have agreed to be her guinnea pig as she learns and practices new techniques (free sessions are free sessions!). Monday's treatment was quite different than the first one. This time, Gail led me back to a massage room, had me strip down to my undies and crawl under the sheet and blanket on the table. While lying on my back, Gail placed hot stones/crystals on my chakra points. The belief is that different colored stones/crystals rearrange your body's energy. Not sure that I buy into that, afterall, I'm a conservative Southern Baptist! But it was definitely relaxing. Gail, then, completed the reflexology session using hot stones instead of her fingers. While I must admit that the stones were a tad bit uncomfortable at times due to their slightly rough texture, the sensations were very relaxing.

I'm scheduled to visit Gail again tomorrow for another session. Who knows what that one might be like!

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My First Clomid Month

My first Clomid cycle has been interesting to say the least. I took 100 mgs on cds 3-7 and had expected horrible side effects. To my suprise, I survived those days without as much as a headache. No hot flashes, etc. as other women have reported. I did have mood swings, but I'm not sure if that was a direct result of the Clomid or just my usual af hormones. Quite honestly, I thought I was out of the woods. WRONG! Around cd 10, I began feeling a little nausea. And it was all downhill from there! :) According to opks, I ovulated sometime between cds 14 and 16. Lazy me forgot to start temping this month due to our relocation during the ice storm. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in my cycle to get any useful information. Around cd 10, I began feeling some nausea. Nothing major, just a little queasy. By cd 12, I was so bloated that my jeans felt uncomfortable. There wasn't any actual pain, just enough discomfort to be annoying. On cd 15, though, I felt like af was on her way! My lower back hurt like hell, my face and hair were greasy and I started to experience minor cramping. Again, nothing painful but irritating. Those symptoms lasted through cd 17. On cd 18, my nipples became REALLY sensitive. In the past, I have tried soy isoflavones to induce ovulation. During those cycles (around the time of a positive opk), my breasts hurt like hell, but my nipples weren't extrodinarily sensitive. I'm hoping this is a good sign. Today (cd 19), my stomach is still tender and the thought of certain foods make me want to puke, but overall, the worst symptoms seem to have faded. I'm curious to see how the remainder of the 2ww goes...

On a slightly different note, one of my closest friends really ticked me off this week. Lynn, who has been my best friend since we were old enough to walk, is currently living out of state. She is also a cyster and endured 2 years of treatments before conceiving her beautiful baby girl. Lynn and I have always been close. While she and her husband were ttc, Lynn often called me to cry, vent or discuss the next step in their journey. After her first IUI, while Lynn was lying in the doctor's office in a paper gown with her feet still in stirrups, she called me. We laughed, we prayed. And nine months later, her miracle was born. The joke is that Lynn's phone call to me was what made the difference. Lynn's baby is now almost five months old and perfectly healthy. She has been blessed. Yesterday, Lynn called just to chit chat. Although we usually talk several times a week, this was our first opportunity to have more than a five minute conversation since I started taking Clomid. Lynn knew that this was our first cycle with meds and even gave me a few pointers on the day that I picked up the prescription. But yesterday was different. She asked how I'd been and I explained the "cliff notes" version of my experience with Clomid. Her only response? "Now you know what I went through for almost two years." There was no "hang in there" or "it'll be worth it". Had she been within my arm's reach, I probably would have slapped her! During Lynn's entire ttc journey, I knew way too much information. I knew exactly what cd she was on, what the opks said and I was her first call after the bfp. Now that our roles are slightly reversed, her attitude has changed greatly. I don't know...Maybe she was just having a tough day. Lynn's husband is currently away for work, so she's left at home to parent an infant alone. Or maybe she's jealous that our journey might not take as long as hers. Or maybe I'm just moody and overreacting. Sigh.....

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Oh yeah, I've got side effects!

I'm on day 3 of Clomid...and the side effects have finally kicked in! Today has been an emotional roller coaster ride for no reason other than the meds. I've been in a crappy mood all day, just waiting for some innocent person to give me a reason to bite their head off. I snap back to reality for a few seconds, feel guilty for being such a bitch and start crying. And I don't mean a few tears. I mean all out bawling!!! Matt left work at 2 this afternoon and headed out for an evening with the guys. A group of them took ATVs out on a local trail, got lost for 5 hours in the woods, got stuck in the mud/ice and are finally on their way back home at midnight. Poor guy has no idea what's waiting for him at home...He'll probably wish he was still lost in the woods!!! Wild animals ain't got nothin' on a Clomid Woman!

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RELAX!!!

My ten tiny "magic" Clomid pills are tucked safely away in the medicine cabinet waiting for cd 3 to arrive. I'm excited...Matthew and I are that much closer to starting a family!!! But I'm also terrified. What if I forget to take the pills? What about the crazy side effects? What if they don't work? What if Matthew or I get sick and can't bd? It is cold and flu season, you know. What if they work...and I get pregnant with triplets? The probability of that happening is less than 1%, but my body has a mind of its own. It's possible. Besides, a friend of mine (also a cyster) gave birth to fraternal triplets after only two months on 100 mgs. of Clomid--my exact dosage! The unknown is always scary, and my mind tends to wander...I'm destined to worry myself (and my poor husband!) to death next month.

In preparation for a psychotic month, I'm trying to refocus. Those crazy questions will always be in the back of my mind, but I don't want them to take over. Anyone trying to conceive has heard that stress can hinder conception efforts. So my new goal is to RELAX!

I've replaced our Glade Plug-ins throughout the house with aromatherapy oils (even hid one at my office!). I've also added candles to nearly every room for a relaxing ambience. And yes, I've busted out that relaxing music cd that somebody gave me for Christmas four or five years ago (I never even bothered to take it out of the wrapper until last night). A close friend specializes in reflexology and another in massage therapy. I've read articles online about the miraculous impact of reflexology on infertility. Not sure if I buy into that (many of the studies are questionable), but for the relaxation benefits alone, it's worth a shot.

As I find more articles connecting stress to infertility, I'll post them.

I'd like to hear your thoughts...How do you relax during stressful cycles? How do you avoid becoming just another neurotic woman obsessed with trying to conceive?

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Clomid...The Next Chapter

I survived my doctor's appointment on Thursday. As most of you already know, I had stressed for several weeks about the visit--nightmares, upset stomach, the works. My previous doctor had the "I'm the doctor and you're the patient" attitude so I went in prepared for battle. I knew that I was ready for Clomid. I had researched its dosages, side effects and success rates and knew that was the medication that I wanted to try. I didn't need my armor and weapons afterall. :)

After reading every issue of Parenting in the lobby, the nurse finally called my name. She completed the usual vitals and pregnancy test (negative, of course) and led me back to the exam room. "Undress completely and cover up with the sheet provided." At my house, sheets are soft rectangles of cotton that are large enough to cover at least a twin sized bed. The "sheet" provided was a 3x3 scratchy thing. I'm still unsure if it was paper or just cheap fabric. After about thirty seconds of deliberation, I decided that it wasn't worth the effort. So the "sheet" lay in the chair and I sat buck naked on the exam table waiting for the doctor.

When Dr. B. arrived, she began with the usual small talk. "How's the weather outside?" It was -3 degrees that afternoon--how did she THINK the weather was?!? LOL She, then, proceeded to ask me how I had been since our last visit. I explained that the metformin was making a difference--my headaches are nearly gone, my cycles have regulated to 28-30 days (compared to my previous 42 day cycles), but no pregnancy. Then, I boldly announced that I was ready to try Clomid. Dr. B. looked at me and began to laugh. I was prepared for the worst. She went on to explain that during that morning's chart review session, she had noted in my chart to recommend Clomid. I accepted that irony as a positive sign. Then, Dr. B. really suprised me. She said, "From what I remember, you do a lot of research online about PCOS and treatments. What dosage would you like to start with?" When you visit a physician, you prepare for questions about your medical history, your symptoms, and, of course, your insurance coverage. But never in my life have I had a doctor who actually asked what dosage of a medication I would like to use. Hers was not a question that I had prepared to answer! We went on to discuss the general practice of beginning with 50 mgs. because it is the lowest dosage available. We, then, discussed the number of women with PCOS who waste time and Clomid cycles on such a low dosage. We agreed to begin Clomid at 100 mgs.

After the physical exam, I met Dr. B. in the Consultation Room to pick up the prescriptions and discuss the plan for follow up. When my next cycle starts, I'm to take 100 mgs. of Clomid on cycle days 3-7. I'm to continue charting my basal body temperature and begin using ovulation predictor sticks around cycle day 10. After that, I'm to call Dr. B. when my period arrives for a "Clomid check" or on cycle day 35 for a beta. Dr. B. assured me that she'll be there each step of the way. And I believe her.

After several unsuccessful months of trying to conceive, sex becomes just another mundane task. But Dr. B.'s kindness and willingness to ask for my input has helped me to feel more in control of my body. Matthew and I have hope again. We're actually excited about trying to conceive for the first time in several months. We even had a couple of practice "babymaking sessions" since the doctor's visit. :) We're ready for this chapter of our journey and welcome it with open arms.

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To my fertile friends...

You complain about morning sickness...
but I long for the morning when I can wake up and vomit with a purpose.

You complain about stretch marks...
but I dream about the day when my belly carries a new life inside.

You complain about weird cravings...
but sometimes, I eat pickles and ice cream just to see what it would be like.

You complain about your overprotective husband...
but I can't wait for the day when my husband becomes a father.

You complain about your frequent ob appointments...
but I look forward to the day when I can visit a regular ob instead of the infertility clinic.

You complain about the costs of formula and diapers...
but I can't wait to put those things on my grocery list.

You complain about the duplicate gifts you received at the shower...
but I long for the day when people give me things to celebrate a miracle.

You complain about sleepless nights...
but I look forward to cuddling my baby in my arms at 2 am.

You complain about the neverending visits from your parents and in-laws...
but I can't wait for the day when I make them grandparents.

You complain about how much your life has changed since having the baby...
but I dream about us becoming a family.

You complain a lot...
but you have so much to be thankful for.

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My Countdown to Clomid

My doctor's appointment is just four days away. After a full year of ttc, I will finally bite the bullet and ask her for Clomid. Our health insurance doesn't cover any costs related to fertility, but thank goodness generic Clomid is on Wal-Mart's $9 prescription list. I have mixed emotions...I'm excited about the possibility of beginning a medication that will help us conceive. But at the same time, I'm terrified. Infertility has become "real". When I started metformin, I was able to justify that the medication was to balance the havoc that PCOS has wreaked on my hormones. It was just a pill. But Clomid? It's actually a fertility drug. And beginning that medication means that we are only six months away from more aggressive treatment. Matthew and I can afford a child (or even twins), but we aren't financially prepared for injections, IUIs and IVF. Because my doctor specializes in PCOS, insurance will pay for office visits related to the condition--not the fertility aspect of it. Each office visit alone is $375. Matthew and I want children, but we aren't emotionally ready to take out a second mortage to cover the costs. I know, I know...One step at a time. Just keep us in your thoughts this week. Clomid shouldn't really be that big of a deal, but to us, it's a huge step.

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You know you're trying to conceive when...

You've ever groped your breasts in traffic to check for tenderness...until you noticed the overweight, bald toothless man in the car beside you fully enjoying the show (he must have taken his little blue pill that day!).

You've ever stopped by the local Rite Aid on your way home from work to pick up a pregnancy test, two cigars, a super size box of tampons and a fifth of Jack Daniels (gotta cover all the bases, right?).

You refer to your husband as "dh", your doctor as "re", your period as "af" and call all of your future children by their first, middle and last names...at the water cooler.

You've ever caught a touch of the flu and cried tears of joy--THIS COULD BE OUR MONTH!

Your husband knows more about the inner workings of the female reproductive system than your last female gynocologist.

You've ever had to convince your sweet, innocent grandmother that the track marks on your arms are the results of lab work and not because you've become a heroin junkie (Does she really have to watch Cops every time it's on tv?!?) .

You've ever purchased infant clothing, bibs, toys or nursery decor...and hidden them away in a closet for the moment. You'll get pregnant someday, right?

You've ever responded "cd 23--only 10 days away from testing" when a stranger at the supermarket asks you what day it is.


These are just a few thoughts off the top of my head. Feel free to add your own...

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Trudging Onward with Hope

I've finally reached a point of peace and excitement about starting clomid in January. Matthew and I are ready to be parents and if this step will help us reach that dream, then, that's where we're headed. I've been pretty down in the dumps for the past few cycles. I even made the mistake of asking Matt "when do we give up trying?" His response? "Give up??? Honey, we're just getting started!" I cried and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. He's right, you know. We're just at the beginning. I don't have to worry about what happens next. We just need to take this journey one step at a time. The unknown is scary, but I have a loving husband who's willing to stand beside me and encourage me. I'm very lucky to have the support system that I have. PCOS...you can kiss my ass! This is a fight that I'm going to win.

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