SEX, SEX, SEX!

When Matt and I began trying to conceive, sex was exciting. We were going to make a baby! We lit candles, shared some wine, listened to soft music and took our time. I had this crazy idea that our child would be conceived on one of those passionate, romantic evenings. After a few short months, reality kicked in and passion went out the window. Sex was no longer a spontaneous expression of our love...instead, it was a means to an end. And there's no room at Baby Dancing Inn for spontaneity. Too little sex and you risk of missing ovulation. Plus, you don't want your child conceived from a leftover, decrepit swimmer who needs his walker just to make it to the cervix. Too much sex and there may not be enough swimmers left to get the job done. Timing is crucial. So, being the anal retentive perfectionist that I am, I sat down with the calendar and began to schedule sex. Matt was hesitant at first, but I managed to persuade him into doing the deed every other day from cd 9 until three days after ovulation was confirmed. We stuck to the plan, but our relationship paid the price. For over 6 months, foreplay consisted of the words "Okay, Honey, assume the position." Two minutes later, we were through and I was slipping in an Instead cup and watching CSI. (On a side note, Instead cups are AWESOME! Put one in right afterwards and you don't have to worry about spillage.) The only time Matt and I touched was during sex. When Matt and I first married (less than 3 years ago), he kissed me each time he left/came into the house. And I mean REALLY kissed me--one of those "Okay, I can't breathe so you've gotta stop" kisses. He used to wrap his arm around me and guide me into the room. Even after nearly 5 years together, I still had butterflies each time we touched. But that was pre-TTC...

Then, along came ovulation predictor sticks. With those magic wands, we would be able to limit our sexual escapades by pinpointing a 12-48 hour window before ovulation. So every afternoon, I religiously peed on a stick and waited for the test line to appear. The problem? Opk's are hard to read! In order for a test to be positive, at least 50% of the test line must be as dark as or darker than the control line. I had no idea that there were so many shades of blue in the world! My flashlight moved from the toolbox in the garage onto the bathroom counter. That way, I could closely examine the two lines to see if I indeed had a positive test. And even then, that didn't work. I soon found myself scanning opk sticks into the computer so I could double check the intensity of the color in by changing the color scale in my photo editing software. (Yes, they make digital test sticks, but I'm too cheap to buy them. Twenty bucks for a box of 5. I think I'll pass!) The scanning stopped when Matt opened the scanner lid and found my most recent test stick stuck to the glass. I guess he didn't realize just how neurotic I'd become!

And then, I read Twilight and life changed. Yes, I realize that the series was written for teenagers, but I had to figure out what all the hype was about. Curiosity got the best of me. I read the first book in two days. I'm an avid reader, but I've never experienced anything like Twilight in the past. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get Edward Cullen's character out of my head. I dreamed about him at night and saw his face at random times during the day. Just the thought of him made my knees weak--a very disturbing reality since he's a FICTIONAL, UNDERAGE VAMPIRE. And then, it hit me! I was drawn to Edward Cullen because he was passionate, mysterious and romantic--the very qualities that I missed from my marriage. And at that point, I made a conscious decision to change direction. I picked up a bottle of wine and a six-pack on the way home, hoping to make amends with Matt and with myself for losing sight of what really matters. After a tearful conversation, we made love that night for the first time in ages.

I've since run out of opk's and have forgotten where on earth I left the basal body thermometer. I took Clomid on cd's 3-7 as prescribed, but the calendar went in the trash. Matt touches me as he walks past and kisses me every chance he gets. And we've made love every other day since around cd 7. Not because the calendar, thermometer and little blue stick say we have to, but purely because we WANT to. And it's been the best sex I've ever had! I'm really lucky to have an incredible man like Matt in my life, and I want to make the most of the time that we have together. Maybe I wasn't that crazy in the beginning afterall. Maybe our child will be conceived out of passion and romance, on a night that we'll remember for years to come.