Say a Prayer for Us

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the RE in two years. Although I absolutely loved my OB/GYN, I realized that it was time to move on--six months of clomid/metformin were enough to determine that the combination wasn't working. I'm nervous...but I'm prepared to waltz into the office and beg for femara. AF should arrive tonight or tomorrow, so I'm praying that we'll be able to begin really trying again this coming cycle. Matt and I are going to give it another year and if we aren't able to conceive by then, we're going to begin the adoption process. Say a prayer for us. We know that we're meant to have children, but we aren't sure yet how God plans to bring them into our lives.

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Here I go, Here I go, Here I go again

It's been a long time since my last post...so much life has happened since then. Matt's dad has finally finished chemo and radiation and returns to the dr. on the 13th for a scan to determine the treatment's success. Shortly after his diagnosis, my grandmother suffered a massive stroke. Since then, Matt and I have divided our time between work, my family, his family and home (and yes, in that particular order). My grandmother has been out of the hospital for about 3 weeks but is unable to move back home with my 90 year old grandfather. She's been living with Mom's sister Ruth while the rest of us rotate between staying with my grandfather or with my grandmother while Ruth works. In another week, Grandma will be moving in with my mom for a long term visit. Hopefully, things have finally settled down.

On a more positive note, Matt and I have finally decided that it's time to buy/build a home of our own. Since we married 3 years ago, we've rented a small house from one of my aunts. Dirt cheap rent has been great, but we just don't have room in our current house for a baby.

After 6 failed clomid/metformin cycles, I've finally decided to return to the RE. I love my regular OB/GYN, but she's not familiar enough with PCOS/infertility to move past the clomid phase. So, on 11/13, I will return to University Clinic to see Dr. X. That decision has been a difficult one. For those of you who have read my very first post, University Clinic was where I saw Resident Dr. P. who was a complete and total jackass. Dr. P. has finally completed his residency and has moved on to bigger and better things in a different state. THANK GOODNESS! Anyway, Dr. X was wonderful during my visits there--he actually specializes in PCOS treatment. Even better news is that the Clinic is an approved provider through my health insurance company. Now, they still won't cover infertility tests, diagnoses or treatments, but since we already have a diagnosis, everything directly related to MY health and PCOS will be covered. My hope is that we can try femara/metformin for a few cycles and then see what his recommendations are if that doesn't work. I'm a little nervous since we will have to pay out of pocket for any IUI's, ultrasounds, etc., but I hope that the billing clerk will be able to outline the charges for those services so we can prepare. I can afford a baby, but shelling out thousands for treatments that don't guarantee a successful pregnancy is another matter.

Please keep our families in your thoughts and prayers during this transition time. Lots of changes, but I pray that everything will one day fall into place.

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Not so Patiently Waiting

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

I don't recall praying for patience, but apparently, God decided that I needed a good healthy dose of it! I'm now surrounded by the need for patience, but I'm just not a good "waiter". Earlier this week, I stopped by the local Wal-Mart to pick up a few necessities on my way home from work. Dressed in my usual work attire--black dress pants, somewhat pressed shirt and heels--I was a woman on a mission. I carried the little blue basket directly to the toothpaste aisle, the shampoo aisle and then on to the bread aisle. As I was trucking from Health and Beauty over to the Grocery side of the store, I heard a woman's voice yell out, "Hey you! Hey! Hey you!" I ignored the voice and kept walking. A few seconds later, the same voice bellowed, "HEY YOU IN THE ORANGE SHIRT!" Aw crap! The last time a stranger flagged me down in the middle of Wal-Mart, it was to tell me that my skirt was tucked in my pantyhose. What on earth could I have done this time? I turned around to see a woman in her fifties, maybe sixties, wearing an obnoxious red floral print blouse with yellow polyester pants and blue eyeshadow. "Awfully nice of Wal-Mart to let crazies like you jog around the store a pretend to be shopping. Bet you save a lot of money not paying for a gym." Startled, I was absolutely speechless. I uttered "Sure", faked a smile and darted off in the opposite direction. I didn't even bother to pick up the bread. Once I got to the car, I began thinking...I'm not a rude shopper, or at least I try not to be. I didn't cut anyone off, push past anyone or even brush against anyone while in the store. What did I do that irritated her so much? I was in a hurry. Then, it hit me. I'm always in a hurry. I can't even begin to remember the last time that I waited in the checkout line, in traffic or even at work without wishing someone or something would hurry the heck up. Hmmm...

My impatience carries over into our ttc efforts. I want a baby yesterday. Since stress can negatively impact fertility, I've also been doing yoga three times a week. Again, I'm still waiting (not so patiently) for a bfp, but I can definitely tell a difference in my general attitude. Bend, Breathe and Conceive has been a godsend! I've tried a few yoga videos in the past through Netflix, and absolutely hated the low budget, cheesy performances (i.e. a room full of spandex-clad twenty-somethings with fake boobs who talk through the whole video). BB&C has only one instructor, Dr. Anna Davis--a middle-aged REAL woman--who uses voice-over to communicate with participants. Dr. Davis also includes an AWESOME introduction explaining the physiology of stress and how it impacts fertility--The intro. alone is worth checking out the video.

As I mentioned before, this was my first cycle using FertilAid instead of Clomid. Opk's confirmed that I ovulated this month. Yea! However, I'm now on cd 35, af's nowhere in sight and today's hpt was negative. While I'm not yet comfortable declaring FertilAid to be a miracle, it did at the very least, induce ovulation. I'm curious to see how my second cycle goes. I'll keep you all posted!

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FertilAid

As I mentioned in a previous post, Matt and I are taking a break from Clomid this month to try FertilAid, an herbal product designed to "promote hormonal balance and reproductive wellness". I'm not one to jump on the bandwagon for every infertility gimmick out there (and there are TONS), but I've read some great reviews on FertilAid and have decided that it's worth a shot. I've now taken the pills for 3 days without any adverse side effects and am anxious to see how the rest of my cycle goes. The pills themselves are pretty big, but since the actual medicine/supplements/whatever you want to call them are tucked away inside a nice tasteless capsule, I don't mind taking them. That's a great change from clomid since the tiny pills sometimes begin to melt in your mouth before you have a chance to swallow them. Anyway, so far so good this month. I'm hoping and praying that FertilAid is the miracle that we've been waiting for!

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Waiting for AF

I finally broke down and took an hpt on Friday...another bfn (at 15 dpo). So now, I'm just waiting (quite impatiently) for af to arrive. I've had a strange cramping sensation in the top part of my stomach today so I'm sure the witch isn't too far away. We're taking a break from Clomid during the next cycle so I can try FertilAid. Four months on Clomid and no bfp yet, so a month off won't be that big of a deal. I'll keep you posted on the FertilAid. Hopefully, it will lead to a miracle!

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Operation HPT: Mission Impossible

It's almost test time again! Usually, around 10 days after ovulation, I venture out to one of our local Dollar Trees to pick up three New Choice home pregnancy tests (they're very sensitive and only cost a buck!). From prior experience, I've devised a short list of rules for purchasing hpt's...

1. Never visit the same store two months in a row.
2. Before entering the store, case the parking lot for any familiar vehicles.
3. Upon entering the store, grab a basket and head for the nearest aisle.
4. Briskly walk along the back wall of the store checking to make sure that there are no familiar faces.
5. Pick up at least two "cover" items.
6. Stash three pregnancy tests under the "cover" items just in case.
7. Scan the checkout lines for the ideal cashier...a teenage/young adult guy, preferably one busy texting even though it's against company policy. If he's not working, head for the little old man who's dentures keep falling out of his mouth.

For those of you who have been actively ttc for more than 6 months, you understand the importance of the Rules. For the rest of you, I'll elaborate. Purchasing one or two pregnancy tests a year won't make headlines. However, purchasing one, two or ten pregnancy tests a month on a regular basis is sure to raise some eyebrows. Matt and I have only told four people (including the doctor) that we're ttc so it's important that I avoid the slew of questions that would surface if nosy Aunt Kathy just happened to see me buying three hpt's at one time. On the same note, store cashiers hardly ever pay attention to customers, but if you frequent the same store and only purchase hpt's, your face is destined to be engrained in their minds. It's also important to choose your cashier wisely. Before I developed the Rules, I endured two life-altering shopping experiences.

I was in a hurry and jumped in the check-out line of a teenage girl who couldn't have been more than 16 years old. As she scanned the hpt's, she paused, looked at me and announced to the world, "Wow! You don't look pregnant! Are you going to keep it? If you aren't, a friend of mine knows this great doctor, well I guess he's not really a doctor, but she knows this guy up on 8th Street who really helped her out when she got in trouble." I nearly passed out on the spot! I was 28 years old and was even wearing my wedding band for pete's sake! Luckily, no one I knew heard her, but the gentleman behind me choked back laughter. Red-faced and mortified, I walked back to my car.

The second experience was just two short months later at a different store. Hoping to avoid another embarrassing moment, I slinked into the check-out line of a woman, probably in her mid-to-late sixties. I thought to myself that she would surely have some respect and honor my privacy. I thought wrong. As she scanned my purchases, she too paused. "You know you wouldn't need to buy these things if you'd keep your legs together!" I looked down and realized that I had left my wedding band next to the kitchen sink where I had been washing dishes. Married or not, the cashier's statement was inappropriate. Fuming, I headed straight for the store manager who assured me that she would take care of the situation. Angry and humiliated, I staggered back to my car and began to jot down what has since become the Rules.

Back to yesterday...

Since the Rules were developed, I've been very lucky. No more crazy cashiers. No more loud speaker announcements about abortions. No more inappropriate assumptions. Yesterday, I followed the Rules perfectly, but I left the store empty handed. When I was ready to check out, I made a beeline for the elderly man's line. As soon as it was my turn to check out, Mr. Cashier went on break. To my horror, he was replaced with Suzy, a gossipy girl that I went to high school with ages ago. Operation HPT had been compromised! While Suzy was fiddling with the cash drawer, I tossed the hpt's into the candy bar rack. Thankfully, she was oblivious to the fact that I had cut my order in half in less than 3 seconds. I left the store with a bottle of toilet cleaner and a Snickers bar.

So, no testing for me today. I'll attempt Operation HPT again tomorrow!

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Freebies and Special Offers

I have added a new section for PCOS and fertility related freebies and special offers. Just click on the "Promotions" tab on the right to see what is currently available. If you know of any other great offers, please let me know so I can add them.

Thanks!

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In the midst of chaos, I'm ovulating

As I've mentioned in the past, Matt's dad and I are very close. So naturally, his recent cancer diagnosis has been hard for me to process. My own father passed away eight years ago before I had the opportunity to meet him (that's another story for a different day) so I quickly adopted Matt's dad as my own. I've listened to his "good old days" stories more times than I can count, but never tire of hearing them. We share several inside jokes (usually at my mother-in-law's expense). After Matt's horrible car accident two years ago, Tony was my rock. He was the one who encouraged and supported me. The one who kept me grounded and made sure that I took time to take care of myself.

Matt is struggling with his dad's diagnosis, but Matt is one of those people who tends to bottle up all of their emotions. He's a tough man and doesn't want to appear dependent. Matt struggles with all things beyond his control. In the midst of confusion, hurt and anger, I'm ovulating. Mother Nature sure has crappy timing, doesn't she? But Matt and I desperately want a child. And Tony desperately wants a grandchild.

Matt and I often joke about the closeness of my relationship with my father-in-law. Matt swears that Tony cares about me more than he does his own son. Of course, that isn't true, but they both struggle to express emotion. Two tough, burly men. Matt and I also imagine how his father will react when we someday announce my pregnancy. Tony is protective of me as it is. I can't even fathom what it would be like if I were carrying his first grandchild. The man would never let me out of his sight! My greatest fear is that Tony won't be around to see our children. My own father has already missed out on that opportunity; I don't want Tony to miss it too.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for Tony's strength and healing. And pray that Matt and I are able to conceive and deliver before Tony's cancer progresses.

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Bad news

Matt's father called today. He has been officially diagnosed with lung cancer. He is scheduled to meet with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss the best course of treatment. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

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It could ONLY happen to me!

After much anticipation, my Bend, Breathe and Conceive yoga dvd arrived yesterday. I had hoped to begin using it after work today, but that plan fell through. Around 2 am, I woke up to use the bathroom. I was still half asleep and stumbled back into the bedroom. To avoid waking up Matt, I left the light off and felt my way around to my side of the bed (as I have done a million times before). I somehow managed to fall onto the bed, bounce off of it and land backside first onto the floor. Matt awoke to the big BOOM followed by my bloodcurdling scream. He helped me up onto the bed and went to find an ice pack. Since Matt was still half asleep, he grabbed the first bag he could find in the freezer--FROZEN BROCCOLI. I spent the remainder of the night lying on my back with a bag of frozen veggies on my lower back and ass. Matt could hardly fall back to sleep for laughing so hard (by that time, the whole incident was hilarious). When my alarm clock finally went off at 6 am, I could barely move. Matt had to help me out of bed and into my clothes. A trip to the local urgent care center confirmed that I strained my lower back and possibly broke my tailbone (though the xrays were inconclusive). I'm off work until Friday at the earliest. If things aren't better, I have to go back to the doctor and possibly begin physical therapy. Can you believe that I'm missing three days of work and possibly more just because I fell off the bed?!?! After a hefty muscle relaxer and narcodic pain meds, I'm feeling better (doped up, but better). The poor people at Urgent Care probably think Matt and I beat the crap out of each other since the only time we ever go there is to treat injuries. They've stitched Matt up twice in the past two years, and they've sent my black and blue self off to xray and MRI at least three times in the past 12 months. What can I say--we're both accident prone! Maybe we should name our first daughter "Grace" just for the irony of it. :)

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SEX, SEX, SEX!

When Matt and I began trying to conceive, sex was exciting. We were going to make a baby! We lit candles, shared some wine, listened to soft music and took our time. I had this crazy idea that our child would be conceived on one of those passionate, romantic evenings. After a few short months, reality kicked in and passion went out the window. Sex was no longer a spontaneous expression of our love...instead, it was a means to an end. And there's no room at Baby Dancing Inn for spontaneity. Too little sex and you risk of missing ovulation. Plus, you don't want your child conceived from a leftover, decrepit swimmer who needs his walker just to make it to the cervix. Too much sex and there may not be enough swimmers left to get the job done. Timing is crucial. So, being the anal retentive perfectionist that I am, I sat down with the calendar and began to schedule sex. Matt was hesitant at first, but I managed to persuade him into doing the deed every other day from cd 9 until three days after ovulation was confirmed. We stuck to the plan, but our relationship paid the price. For over 6 months, foreplay consisted of the words "Okay, Honey, assume the position." Two minutes later, we were through and I was slipping in an Instead cup and watching CSI. (On a side note, Instead cups are AWESOME! Put one in right afterwards and you don't have to worry about spillage.) The only time Matt and I touched was during sex. When Matt and I first married (less than 3 years ago), he kissed me each time he left/came into the house. And I mean REALLY kissed me--one of those "Okay, I can't breathe so you've gotta stop" kisses. He used to wrap his arm around me and guide me into the room. Even after nearly 5 years together, I still had butterflies each time we touched. But that was pre-TTC...

Then, along came ovulation predictor sticks. With those magic wands, we would be able to limit our sexual escapades by pinpointing a 12-48 hour window before ovulation. So every afternoon, I religiously peed on a stick and waited for the test line to appear. The problem? Opk's are hard to read! In order for a test to be positive, at least 50% of the test line must be as dark as or darker than the control line. I had no idea that there were so many shades of blue in the world! My flashlight moved from the toolbox in the garage onto the bathroom counter. That way, I could closely examine the two lines to see if I indeed had a positive test. And even then, that didn't work. I soon found myself scanning opk sticks into the computer so I could double check the intensity of the color in by changing the color scale in my photo editing software. (Yes, they make digital test sticks, but I'm too cheap to buy them. Twenty bucks for a box of 5. I think I'll pass!) The scanning stopped when Matt opened the scanner lid and found my most recent test stick stuck to the glass. I guess he didn't realize just how neurotic I'd become!

And then, I read Twilight and life changed. Yes, I realize that the series was written for teenagers, but I had to figure out what all the hype was about. Curiosity got the best of me. I read the first book in two days. I'm an avid reader, but I've never experienced anything like Twilight in the past. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get Edward Cullen's character out of my head. I dreamed about him at night and saw his face at random times during the day. Just the thought of him made my knees weak--a very disturbing reality since he's a FICTIONAL, UNDERAGE VAMPIRE. And then, it hit me! I was drawn to Edward Cullen because he was passionate, mysterious and romantic--the very qualities that I missed from my marriage. And at that point, I made a conscious decision to change direction. I picked up a bottle of wine and a six-pack on the way home, hoping to make amends with Matt and with myself for losing sight of what really matters. After a tearful conversation, we made love that night for the first time in ages.

I've since run out of opk's and have forgotten where on earth I left the basal body thermometer. I took Clomid on cd's 3-7 as prescribed, but the calendar went in the trash. Matt touches me as he walks past and kisses me every chance he gets. And we've made love every other day since around cd 7. Not because the calendar, thermometer and little blue stick say we have to, but purely because we WANT to. And it's been the best sex I've ever had! I'm really lucky to have an incredible man like Matt in my life, and I want to make the most of the time that we have together. Maybe I wasn't that crazy in the beginning afterall. Maybe our child will be conceived out of passion and romance, on a night that we'll remember for years to come.

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What no one told you about trying to conceive

What no one told you about trying to conceive...
*That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
*That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
*That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
*That the longer you Try to Conceive, the more Pregnant women spring up around you.
*That deep down inside, you can be a very jealous person.
*That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
*That you should have gone to medical school like your mom wanted, because you've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with you, you might as well be an M.D.
*That you would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors you go to.
*That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm.
*That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines... until only one shows up every month.
*That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work, too.)
*That you have no control over some of the goals you set.
*That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
*That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
*That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
*That miscarriage is so common.
*That you would wish you had started TTC earlier.
*That your friends' pregnancies would start to make you sad instead of happy.
*That you wasted A LOT of money on birth control!
*That you'd EVER be willing to stab yourself in the stomach or ass every day in the hopes that it will help get you PG.
*That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
*That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
*That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
*That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
*That you could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
*That you would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell your DH about it.
*That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes you sad and when they tell you they have good news, you hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico. Ha!
*That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
*That had you bought stock in Clearblue Easy, you'd have your mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
*That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
*That having aunt flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
*That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
*Feeling like you wish your life away in two-week increments.
*That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
*That a group of "strangers" who you will probably never meet, have now become your "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
*That you would splash urine on your face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
*That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
*That infertility is more common than you think.
*That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
*That one day all of this will make you stronger.
*That no one you know (in your non-trying to conceive (ttc) life) would have any understanding as to how you feel.
*That your temper and patience are much shorter than you ever thought.
*That you would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
*That your faith in God would be tested heavily.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
*That you are very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies
*That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, despite what some may say.
*That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to."
*That you'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least you know what's wrong.
*That you would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
*That you could spend so much time and money on figuring out what your body is doing (or not doing).
*That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today?"
*That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. You had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
*That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
*That some people just say the wrong things.
*That a simple blood test costs $648!
*That sex would ever become a chore!
*That actually having a miscarriage would allow you to understand the loss that others have felt.
*That miscarriage would make you want a baby even more than before!
*That you would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling you "I know how you feel..."
*That DH would be overly concerned that our Baby Dancing positions were the most effective ones
*That you would become NUMB to the wonderful world around you that you already have
*That you would become addicted to POAS (peeing on a stick) and not sleep at night because you couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
*That you would be so sad, and ashamed.
*That you would learn to speak in code, like "I checked CM which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN!"
*That when AF showed up you would feel broken and dysfunctional.
*That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
*That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
*That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your Fertility Monitor says high or peak.
*That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
*That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
*That you would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 36 months TTC...)
*That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief.
*That you would have to schedule a Baby Dancing session so Dear Husband could do it in a cup a few days later.
*That your friends who started TTC 1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before you get pregnant with 1.
*That you wouldn't be able to attend your friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the question, "So, when are ya'll going to have children?"
*That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
*That you would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
*That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
*That you spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now you can't seem to lose the witch!
*That you would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world you want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk you out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to you.
*That you would yell at commercials on the TV. (That "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
*That you would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows you love) because it just hurts too much.
*That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. *That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy or STD every time.
*That your body has its own mind.
*That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
*That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c Aunt Flow showed.
*That the human body and what it actually takes to conceive is so complex that it's amazing anyone ever gets pregnant in the first place.
*That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one. Yep.
*That you feel useless as a female.
*That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children.
*That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amount of the required "hormones" or doing what it should know how to do.
*That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone you know would infuriate me beyond belief

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Bring on the Rain

I was right. I woke up at 5:30 this morning to discover that af has arrived. I cried, almost to the point of making myself vomit. Now I have to figure out how to tell Matt that this cycle was yet another bust.

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Waiting for AF

Today, I'm thoroughly convinced that this cycle was a bust. Maybe it's just my defense mechanism taking over, but it feels like af is on her way. According to the opk's and my bbt chart, I did at least o this cycle. My boobs still hurt, my lower back is aching and my lower stomach keeps cramping. In previous o cycles, I started spotting around 12-13 dpo and af arrived in full force on 14-15 dpo. No spotting yet, but I keep running to the bathroom to check. When I went to the grocery this morning, I considered buying a test since I'm planning to test tomorrow or Monday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate the excitement of thinking that "this may be our month" and the emotional let-down that follows. I hate watching Matt get all giddy talking about being a dad and nearly cry every time he rubs my belly in hopes that there's someone in there. I hate analyzing every possible symptom/sign--"Do my boobs hurt more or differently this month? Better check my notes from previous cyles because I don't remember having cm like this before. Were my temps this high last month?" I know that someday, I will have a beautiful child. I know that there's hope, but sometimes, I just need to grieve the loss of the "what if's".

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Just Waiting to Test

Well, after my near nervous breakdown last weekend, I'm looking forward to a relaxing (ha!) holiday. I'm now 12 dpo and am waiting until Sunday (14 dpo) or Monday (15 dpo) to test. Based on my previous cycles, I usually start to spot around 12-13 dpo and af arrives full force around 14 dpo. No spotting yet, just creamy cm. I'm having some of my typical 2ww symptoms--sore bb's, slight nausea, mild cramps and a lower backache. Mother Nature sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't she?!?! Anyway, I'm a little nervous about testing this weekend. It would be the perfect time to get a bfp as Monday is the 8 year anniversary of my father's passing. I could defnitely use some good news to change the mood of the day.

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All time low

I've officially reached an all-time low today. I'm 6 dpo on our second month of Clomid and have the usual side effects...sore boobs, bloated, lower backache. I had these exact same symptoms last cycle with a bfn.

Over the past few weeks, Matt and I have been talking about adopting a puppy. I've searched petfinder.com, craigslist.com and our local classifieds. When I called Matt earlier to let him know that our local Humane Society is hosting an adopt-a-thon this weekend (free adoptions with food donations), Matt very clearly said no because we aren't ready for a dog yet. He's right...we don't have a crate/kennel, leash, food, etc. But as soon as we hung up, I started to cry. At that point, it dawned on me that my desire for a puppy was just part of my need to parent something. I need to feel needed. We've been ttc since Dec. 2007 and it feels like we're never going to have a child. I just want to be a mom.

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Here we go...

After 50 days, af finally arrived. That was my longest cycle in history and I'm thoroughly convinced that I would have started sooner had it not been for the provera. Anyway, I will start clomid round 2 on Monday at 150 mgs. I'm a little nervous about increased side effects with the higher dosage, but I'm ready. I hope this is our month.

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MAJOR Moodiness!!!

I've taken two doses of provera so far...and WOW! I'm just pissy. My boobs hurt. I'm starving but I feel like I'm going to puke. I took a short nap this afternoon and apparently had a dream that Matt's sister got pregnant by her loser boyfriend of 6 weeks. When I say "loser", I'm not exaggerating. The guy hooked up with Beth the week after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his son. The guy is currently unemployed and lives in a barn. Yes, A BARN! Anyway, I woke up in a state of shock, depression and total rage. Hope this goes away since I'll be spending all day tomorrow with Matt's family. Happy Easter! :)

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Clomid, Cycle 2

Shortly after my last post, I came down with the flu. Even though I had a flu shot around Thanksgiving, I managed to contract a strange strand of influenza that wasn't covered by this year's vaccine. Oh the joys of working with the public! Anyway, as a result, March's cycle was a total bust. I wasn't able to go back for my Clomid check for fear of spreading the virus. Sigh....

Today, I had my month-overdue Clomid check with Dr. B. She reviewed my bbt chart from February and was excited to see a positive opk on cd 17-18. Since I am now on cd 35, she wrote a script for Provera to induce af and increased the Clomid to 150 mgs on cds 3-7. Dr. B. remains positive. She's convinced that this will be our month. Thank God for encouraging doctors!

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Good news...and not so good news

The good news??? My father-in-law's biopsy results came back. The mass the MRI detected was only scar tissue (that's been there for a long time and was undetected). They're going to monitor him, but life goes on as usual.

The not so good news? Af arrived in all her glory last night. On to Clomid cycle 2...

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