Operation HPT: Mission Impossible

It's almost test time again! Usually, around 10 days after ovulation, I venture out to one of our local Dollar Trees to pick up three New Choice home pregnancy tests (they're very sensitive and only cost a buck!). From prior experience, I've devised a short list of rules for purchasing hpt's...

1. Never visit the same store two months in a row.
2. Before entering the store, case the parking lot for any familiar vehicles.
3. Upon entering the store, grab a basket and head for the nearest aisle.
4. Briskly walk along the back wall of the store checking to make sure that there are no familiar faces.
5. Pick up at least two "cover" items.
6. Stash three pregnancy tests under the "cover" items just in case.
7. Scan the checkout lines for the ideal cashier...a teenage/young adult guy, preferably one busy texting even though it's against company policy. If he's not working, head for the little old man who's dentures keep falling out of his mouth.

For those of you who have been actively ttc for more than 6 months, you understand the importance of the Rules. For the rest of you, I'll elaborate. Purchasing one or two pregnancy tests a year won't make headlines. However, purchasing one, two or ten pregnancy tests a month on a regular basis is sure to raise some eyebrows. Matt and I have only told four people (including the doctor) that we're ttc so it's important that I avoid the slew of questions that would surface if nosy Aunt Kathy just happened to see me buying three hpt's at one time. On the same note, store cashiers hardly ever pay attention to customers, but if you frequent the same store and only purchase hpt's, your face is destined to be engrained in their minds. It's also important to choose your cashier wisely. Before I developed the Rules, I endured two life-altering shopping experiences.

I was in a hurry and jumped in the check-out line of a teenage girl who couldn't have been more than 16 years old. As she scanned the hpt's, she paused, looked at me and announced to the world, "Wow! You don't look pregnant! Are you going to keep it? If you aren't, a friend of mine knows this great doctor, well I guess he's not really a doctor, but she knows this guy up on 8th Street who really helped her out when she got in trouble." I nearly passed out on the spot! I was 28 years old and was even wearing my wedding band for pete's sake! Luckily, no one I knew heard her, but the gentleman behind me choked back laughter. Red-faced and mortified, I walked back to my car.

The second experience was just two short months later at a different store. Hoping to avoid another embarrassing moment, I slinked into the check-out line of a woman, probably in her mid-to-late sixties. I thought to myself that she would surely have some respect and honor my privacy. I thought wrong. As she scanned my purchases, she too paused. "You know you wouldn't need to buy these things if you'd keep your legs together!" I looked down and realized that I had left my wedding band next to the kitchen sink where I had been washing dishes. Married or not, the cashier's statement was inappropriate. Fuming, I headed straight for the store manager who assured me that she would take care of the situation. Angry and humiliated, I staggered back to my car and began to jot down what has since become the Rules.

Back to yesterday...

Since the Rules were developed, I've been very lucky. No more crazy cashiers. No more loud speaker announcements about abortions. No more inappropriate assumptions. Yesterday, I followed the Rules perfectly, but I left the store empty handed. When I was ready to check out, I made a beeline for the elderly man's line. As soon as it was my turn to check out, Mr. Cashier went on break. To my horror, he was replaced with Suzy, a gossipy girl that I went to high school with ages ago. Operation HPT had been compromised! While Suzy was fiddling with the cash drawer, I tossed the hpt's into the candy bar rack. Thankfully, she was oblivious to the fact that I had cut my order in half in less than 3 seconds. I left the store with a bottle of toilet cleaner and a Snickers bar.

So, no testing for me today. I'll attempt Operation HPT again tomorrow!