I was right. I woke up at 5:30 this morning to discover that af has arrived. I cried, almost to the point of making myself vomit. Now I have to figure out how to tell Matt that this cycle was yet another bust.
Today, I'm thoroughly convinced that this cycle was a bust. Maybe it's just my defense mechanism taking over, but it feels like af is on her way. According to the opk's and my bbt chart, I did at least o this cycle. My boobs still hurt, my lower back is aching and my lower stomach keeps cramping. In previous o cycles, I started spotting around 12-13 dpo and af arrived in full force on 14-15 dpo. No spotting yet, but I keep running to the bathroom to check. When I went to the grocery this morning, I considered buying a test since I'm planning to test tomorrow or Monday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate the excitement of thinking that "this may be our month" and the emotional let-down that follows. I hate watching Matt get all giddy talking about being a dad and nearly cry every time he rubs my belly in hopes that there's someone in there. I hate analyzing every possible symptom/sign--"Do my boobs hurt more or differently this month? Better check my notes from previous cyles because I don't remember having cm like this before. Were my temps this high last month?" I know that someday, I will have a beautiful child. I know that there's hope, but sometimes, I just need to grieve the loss of the "what if's".
Well, after my near nervous breakdown last weekend, I'm looking forward to a relaxing (ha!) holiday. I'm now 12 dpo and am waiting until Sunday (14 dpo) or Monday (15 dpo) to test. Based on my previous cycles, I usually start to spot around 12-13 dpo and af arrives full force around 14 dpo. No spotting yet, just creamy cm. I'm having some of my typical 2ww symptoms--sore bb's, slight nausea, mild cramps and a lower backache. Mother Nature sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't she?!?! Anyway, I'm a little nervous about testing this weekend. It would be the perfect time to get a bfp as Monday is the 8 year anniversary of my father's passing. I could defnitely use some good news to change the mood of the day.
I've officially reached an all-time low today. I'm 6 dpo on our second month of Clomid and have the usual side effects...sore boobs, bloated, lower backache. I had these exact same symptoms last cycle with a bfn.
Over the past few weeks, Matt and I have been talking about adopting a puppy. I've searched petfinder.com, craigslist.com and our local classifieds. When I called Matt earlier to let him know that our local Humane Society is hosting an adopt-a-thon this weekend (free adoptions with food donations), Matt very clearly said no because we aren't ready for a dog yet. He's right...we don't have a crate/kennel, leash, food, etc. But as soon as we hung up, I started to cry. At that point, it dawned on me that my desire for a puppy was just part of my need to parent something. I need to feel needed. We've been ttc since Dec. 2007 and it feels like we're never going to have a child. I just want to be a mom.
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