Waiting for AF

Today, I'm thoroughly convinced that this cycle was a bust. Maybe it's just my defense mechanism taking over, but it feels like af is on her way. According to the opk's and my bbt chart, I did at least o this cycle. My boobs still hurt, my lower back is aching and my lower stomach keeps cramping. In previous o cycles, I started spotting around 12-13 dpo and af arrived in full force on 14-15 dpo. No spotting yet, but I keep running to the bathroom to check. When I went to the grocery this morning, I considered buying a test since I'm planning to test tomorrow or Monday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I hate the excitement of thinking that "this may be our month" and the emotional let-down that follows. I hate watching Matt get all giddy talking about being a dad and nearly cry every time he rubs my belly in hopes that there's someone in there. I hate analyzing every possible symptom/sign--"Do my boobs hurt more or differently this month? Better check my notes from previous cyles because I don't remember having cm like this before. Were my temps this high last month?" I know that someday, I will have a beautiful child. I know that there's hope, but sometimes, I just need to grieve the loss of the "what if's".